Happy Thanksgiving to you all who are celebrating!
Here begins part 2 to my mental clarity post. This hasn’t been an easy thing to acknowledge, but I am so thankful to be feeling less dazed.
I am clear minded and I see that I am not where I want to be. I am experiencing the pure loss of this past year. I can see clearly now, (go ahead, sing the song) that I was just going through the motions. I understand that the pictures that were taken are now memories that I barely recall. I have lost friends because I couldn’t think clearly; I couldn’t articulate my feelings, good and bad, to people who deserved my best. I know that I smile because that’s what I do to get through the day. I know that I am not where my heart is happy. I know that I am not where I want to be. I know that this is temporary. I am aware that I choose to make my heart happy. I choose hope because that’s what I can count on.
I am feeling an immense amount of loss. I never really let the fact that I missed out on the majority of my senior year sink in. I never fully comprehended moving to Georgia, leaving my childhood home, deserting my stomping ground, giving up my bedroom, abandoning the thousands of memories that were made. I use these strong words because I realize that I was so dazed that I never got the chance to fully appreciate what was. I use these strong words because it makes me sad that I am just now realizing how sick my brain has been for a lot longer than I thought.
You know that saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words”?
To me, a picture is a bundle of confusion and emotion. I see that I went there, and I did that. But I don’t really have words to match to the ‘memory’. This is true for the last year and a half… give or take a few months. My memory is coming back for the most part from the middle of my junior year in high school and before then. But from the end of my junior year to now is a big blob of events that I don’t have captions for.
Some photos from events that I’m beginning to remember again. Stay smiling(:
With the memory stuff aside, my mental clarity is something totally new. I feel overwhelmed and confused. I know that there are certain cognitive abilities that I still don’t have; for example, my ability to focus on a task that requires complex concentration (i.e. reading a book, writing this blog, doing a word puzzle, etc.) is still quite minimal.
This new-found clarity is more of a reality check than anything. I am fully aware of my situation. I feel that I’m capable of more than just the motions, now. I understand that I am missing out on a ‘normal’ life of an 18-year-old. I am sad that I don’t get to experience the first snow in my hometown. I am frustrated that my move this summer wasn’t to the place I’ve dreamt of. I am upset that I’ve lost touch with friends who were my everything for so long. I feel a bit alone in all this. I feel a bit lost in the midst of being the only one.
This is one big reality check, and I’m a little bit scared.
Though this reality is a bit frightening, I am thankful for God’s unconditional love and mercy. I am thankful for family who is endlessly kind and forgiving. I am thankful for my beautiful friends who send me random texts to make me smile. I am thankful that I am as comfortable as I am in the midst of misery. I am so thankful to be alive and loved.
I am grateful for what God has given me. I am grateful for what God has planned for me. I am grateful for where God has led me.
I am thankful for challenges that make me stronger. I am thankful for obstacles that change my perspective. I am thankful for tough times that make me love harder.
I am so thankful.
Take a minute, today and everyday, to be thankful for the simplest of things. Express your appreciation for this beautiful world and your perfectly imperfect self.
I pray for each one of you that you continue to be blessed, you continue to be loved, and you continue to give God the glory.
“She is tossed by the waves, but does not sink.”