Feelings of the night: Defeated. Alone. Hopeless. Alive.
Going on 3 months of treatment. Treatment is a roller coaster let me tell you. Everything gets changed based on how I feel.
I am in pain, no doubt. It’s a symptom of Lyme. But it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I started experiencing extreme brain fog. I feel like I live in my own world – La La Land. I tell Siri to remind me to do things all throughout the day. I tell her to remind me to take my insulin shot every night, to take all my pills in the morning and before I go to bed. I tell Siri to remind me to brush my teeth in the morning and to leave the house before a certain time so I don’t get distracted. I would like to thank Siri for being there for me.
I am super nauseous. Another symptom of a co-infection of Lyme. I don’t eat much and there’s definitely no variety. The smell of things makes me feel sick; the thought of chewing certain things makes me sick; even the act of swallowing sometimes makes me sick. I am gluten free and dairy free and it’s easy to think that “oh you’re gluten and dairy free! You eat so healthy!” But this is likely not the case. When feeling sick, I don’t want to eat ‘healthy’ stuff. Eating bland things is my favorite.
I like to tell myself that I am fine, that I am healthy and strong, that I can still run 8 miles with no problem. But we all know we wake up from dreams. Every morning you must face reality and deal with life. Now, I realize I have two options: 1) face reality with a bitter face and a hateful attitude towards everyone and everything or 2) face reality with acceptance, with the realization that it’s just life.
I am sick, I don’t feel well, I feel defeated, I feel hopeless. But really, who cares about that. I think I’ve forgotten how to interact socially. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to remember things. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to know what’s happening around me. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be me. That’s what’s hit me hard this week.
Every morning my mom asks, “How do you feel? Are you going to school today?” Some days I respond, “Yes. ” And she asks, “Do you need a late note?” and most every time I say yes to school, I nod while I am half asleep to the late note. Other days I respond, “I feel like I was hit by a truck,” and my mom knows that I will spend the day in bed. Sometimes I don’t even remember her asking the question; I just wake up at 10 a.m. and realize that I’m not making it to school that day. Those tend to be the bad days. The days that I’m in pain from head-to-toe, feeling lost and dazed, and not exactly alive.
Lyme has officially taken a toll on my life. And it sucks. It totally, completely sucks. Though I just complained about pointless stuff for 470 words, I know that life doesn’t suck forever. Being put in this position has given me a new perspective on life. I can’t control it. I have no say in what goes on, so why question everyone? Why talk about people like they are less than me? Why put someone down just because of something I saw them do? Why criticize someone for their life when I don’t know what their going through? Why gossip when I am not even a part of the every-day-world every day.
We all have struggles. We all have hardships. We all have ‘stuff’ that goes wrong. Don’t make that a reason to give up. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to complain and feel beat up. But it’s not okay to give up. It’s not okay to be bitter and it’s not okay to hit the ‘off’ switch on life. Life happens. Life is messy and life is chaotic. But God put us here to prove to ourselves, others and Him, that with His love, His grace and His faith, we can manage. Manage is the key word here. Manage doesn’t mean first place, it doesn’t mean the most successful, and it doesn’t mean being burnt out. It means accepting what you can’t do, and dealing with what you can. When I manage life, I am coping with it, I am dealing with it and I am accepting it.
“God did this to you because He knew you could handle it.” One of my least favorite things that I’ve been told – over and over again. I understand that God tests us. He gives us stuff to deal with. It’s LIFE!! However, He doesn’t cause bad things to happen just to prove to us that we are more than we think. Life happens so He can guide us and show us that love exists, that hope exists, that HE exists. Stuff goes on so that God can teach us to lean on Him, so that He can better us, so that our relationship with Him becomes stronger.
Words can hurt. But words can heal. Love is here, love is real. Accepting life and all that it presents is our step forward to accepting God and all that He has in store for our future. Surrender your weaknesses, your faults and your trials. He will pick you up and restore your faith in time. It’s okay to vent, to yell at God, to be frustrated and upset. But don’t forget to thank God for the life you’ve been given. Thank him for the blankets, for the sunshine, for the rain. Thank him for love and friends. Thank him for water and for food. Sometimes, being grateful for the little things, the things that we often take for granted, is what brings us back to Earth. Love the life you were given, despite the crap. Live the life you were given to radiate love and to show gratitude.
“She is tossed by the waves, but does not sink.”